Back to "Club Ninja-dise"[]
Scene 1. Club Kev: the dock.
(Various tourists, adults and children, who will eventually be seen to include Randy Cunningham, Howard Weinerman, Mort Weinerman, Principal Slimovitz, Gretchen, Luigi, Brent, Bucky Hensletter, Cass Simonson, Dave, Doug, Doug Jaminski, Flute Girl, Jacques, Stevens, Theresa Fowler, Maraca Boy, the Nameless Boy with a Blue-Green Shirt, the Nameless Girl with a Green Shirt, the Nameless Girl with a Mauve Dress, and the Nameless Girl with Blonde Ponytail, are either disembarking onto or standing on the dock of Club Kev on Lake LaRusso, clad in a mixture of bathing suits and Hawaiian shirts, with strings of large beads around their necks. On the left is a booth with a sign reading "W E L C O M E"; various girls in grass skirts are hanging the necklaces in lei-like fashion around the necks of new arrivals.)
Randy: (walking down a gangplank next to Howard): Howard… what two words am I thinking of right now? (He and Howard receive their necklaces from the girls in grass skirts.)
Howard: Pizza Doughnuts!
Randy (disconcertedly): What? Why wou— No! Spring Break!
Howard: Ohhh, I thought you said, "What two words am I thinking of right now?" — Huh, how much nothing are we gonna do this week?
Randy (enthusedly): Aaall the nothing! It's Spring Break, bebbeeee! No stankings, no Ninja, no McFist; just you, me, and the sweet sounds of nada.
Howard: Ha-ha! Doin' things is for shoobs.
(A car-horn playing a few notes of "La cucaracha" twice over is heard as The Kev drives up in his mobile hot-tub.)
The Kev: What up, what up! All right, welcome to Club Kev, Lake LaRusso's premier, "all-in-fun" tropical resort; I am The Kev, your chill-peron. Can I get a shaka from all my chillseekers? (There is a rattling as of maracas while most of the tourists extend a "Shaka sign" to The Kev.) Ha! Check it — we got One Ruuule: There are NO RULES, except One Rule: anyone that doesn't chiiiill, they get the Big Bounce!
Slimovitz: Uhhh, excuse me, Mr., umm, "The Kev"? What exactly do you mean by "chiiiill"?
The Kev (as if this were obvious): You know, like, kick back and relax…
Slimovitz (protesting): But I was going to relax and THEN kick back! Am I chillin' incorrectly?! (His necklace — the "Chill-o-meter" — begins to flash red, as a sound as of rapidly-beaten tom-toms starts sounding.) (starting to panic, panting) Whuh! Whuh! It's Turning Red! WHAT'S HAPPENIIING?! (A transparent rubbery bubble forms around Slimovitz.) OHOHOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! (The bubble with Slimovitz bounces in a wide arc off of the Club Kev island. All turn and follow with their eyes.)
Tourists (gasping): Whewwwwww…
The Kev: Who-ho-ho-hoah! "Big Bounce." Bummer skeezles.
Mort (walking past after Gretchen): Hey, boys! Gretchen here says she's got a great opportunity on time shares.
Howard (protesting): We don't even use the time share we have. (to Randy) Not that I want to — four weekends in Flatville? Nnnooo, uh, thank you!
Randy: Okay, okay. (He flips open a brochure.) What should we not do, first?
Howard: I can't even think about not doing anything, until I eat something!
(A wipe, consisting of Randy's hands holding the brochure, reveals:)
Scene 2. Club Kev: the buffet.
(A nuumber of tourists, including Randy and Howard, are sampling the buffet. Randy is still reading from the brochure, while Howard is holding a plate with a large pile of food, and still gathering more.)
Randy: After this, I say we don't do the Eco-hike, and then not take hula lessons.
Howard: Oh, and at 5:30, we've gotta remember to bail on those sand-art classes.
Randy: This is the best: no school, no monsters, no — McFIST!
Howard: Why did you say it like that? Don't you mean, "…no McFist…"?
Randy (pointing): Noooo! — McFIST!
(Marci and Hannibal McFist are standing at the buffet in front of a chafing dish full of jumbo shrimp.)
McFist (suspiciously): So I can take as much shrimp as I want — it's all free?
Marci (explaining, soothingly): Technically, dear, we paid for it when we booked the trip.
McFist (ebulliantly): FREE SHRIMP! (He digs in, chomping and chewing happily.) Ah, mmm!
Marci (delightedly): Oh, look at you! So care-free!
McFist (agreeing): Right? Mmm! (Darkly, then gulping down his shrimp and relaxing.) I've been chasing You-Know-Who for so long — ullup! — I'd almost forgotten how to kick back and taste the chill… ah!
Marci (soothingly): Ohhhh, you deserve some non-Ninja time. I'll be in the spa.
McFist (still chewing noisily): Mmm, sllrrp! Have fun, "Cuddlefish"! I'll be here goin' jumbo on this shrimp. Smmmk, smmk!
(Randy's "chill-o-meter" is flashing red, and the sound of rapid tom-toms and a slight beeping is heard.)
Howard (warningly): Cunningham, your chill-o-meter!
(Randy closes his eyes and presses his finger-ends to his forehead. The tom-toms and beeping slow and stop.)
Randy (discontentedly): Just seein' him makes me — bleagghhh! Do you know how many times that shoob has tried to destroy me?
Howard (disparagingly): He's not here to destroy you: he wants to chill — (reassuringly) like you should be doing.
McFist (attempting to fling shrimp into his mouth): Haa! Missed it. Haa! Missed it. Ha! Oh, that's way off.
(His last shrimp strikes Randy in the back of the head with a slight thud.)
Randy (glaring back at McFist and growling, while his chill-o-meter starts to sound): Aaaagh…
Howard (warningly): Chiiiilll! You're gonna get Big-Bounced!
(Randy grips the bridge of his nose, and the chill-o-meter subsides. The NinjaNomicon starts flashing and throbbing inside his Hawaiian shirt.)
Randy (with a cunning smile): …Not if I Big-Bounce McFist, first.
Howard (protesting to the Nomicon, which is barely hidden under Randy's brochure): Would you talk some sense into him?!
Randy (shloomping face-first into a punchbowl): Ah-whoooo…
(Howard scoops out some punch for himself as Randy falls into the Nomicon.)
Scene 3. Inside the Nomicon.